


Lilies

by ma_r



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Homophobic Language, M/M, Other, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-06 03:53:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16380872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ma_r/pseuds/ma_r
Summary: Uther is dead.Before his body makes his way six-feet under, Arthur receives a call from Morgana's lawyers informing him of the impending lawsuit for Uther's fortune.This has unexpected consequences that affect not only the siblings but their friends as well.  Most of all, it affects Arthur, who finds that he can only see one way out.





	Lilies

**Author's Note:**

> Rated Mature for its theme. 
> 
> TW: Suicide Attempt.  
> TW: Homophobic Language.  
> TW: Past Emotional/Psychological Abuse. 
> 
> For more information about the warnings check the Author's Note at the end. Beware of Spoilers.

Arthur doesn't like how white and innocent the pills that will end his life look. He had considered shooting himself, that’s why there is a gun on the table but then he thought of the mess his blood and brains would make on the floor and the trouble it would cause for whoever had to clean it and decided to take a more clean route. But the pills were too white, the container they had been in too orange. He was dressed in his best suit, wearing his favorite tie and a Rolex that costed more than the rent on some of his friend's houses.

He played with the pill bottle, and for a moment considered not doing this, he had always thought that suicide was the cowards choice and his pride stung on doing something he considered to be such selfish decision, but then he remembered how cold and empty his house was, how many bottoms of bottles he had been seeing lately and the crushing weight of his past actions and decided that cowards choice or not, it was his choice.

He opened the bottle and took one pill, he looked at it and acknowledged that it would help end his life before swallowing it, chasing it with a sip of his favorite wine and remembered:

* * *

 1st Pill/ The Beginning.

The voice of the Undertaker was starting to get on his nerves when he receives the call.

Uther had been proclaimed dead-by-heart-attack by the paramedics that had invaded his house with their loud voices and the smell of antiseptic exactly 146 hours and 52 minutes ago but Morgana already has a lawyer, a lawsuit, DNA that gives validity to her claim and a sense of vengeance and betrayal that could level cities. She is suing him for everything Uther had left Arthur- everything he hadn’t left to Morgana- and anything Arthur had that had been paid with the company or Uther’s money, meaning his car, the little cottage down the beach (his mother house, her special place) and the house Uther had lent him money for. 

His blood had chilled at the detached voice of the lawyer informing him of his sister acts, of her intentions, he felt tears gathering on his eyes and then he forced them down ( _no man is worth your tears_ echoed around his mind reminding him of one of his father lessons) he told the lawyer that he would make his own arrangements and that he would fight Morgana’s claim. He did not care for all the money and properties that Uther had given him, he was sure that his sister and he would quickly arrive at an arrangement that suited them both and then they could mourn their father in peace.

He was wrong.

* * *

Arthur laughs in his empty house, his voice echoing against the bare walls and the bare floors, he already had someone come in to pack everything so that it would be put to storage or donated, he didn’t want to impose the person who would have been responsible for clearing off the dead man things. He had been so naive, so stupid. Morgana had never been an easy opponent to beat, she had never ceded an inch and she had never lost a game she was determined to win.   

He took another swing of his wine.

* * *

 2nd & 3rd Pill/ The Fantasy.

10 hours after Uther had been dressed in his finest clothes, his body laid on the best coffin money could buy and his funeral _(the biggest, best and the most fruitful business events are always funerals_ Uther’s voice whispered against Arthur’s ears as he watched his father’s partners and rivals stick deals over his dead body.)  was finally over. Arthur was cocooned on Merlin’s arms as he tried and completely failed to sleep. He was sure there was something he was forgetting he had to do, but he wasn’t sure what. He was mentally going through his list: call Leon to see if he was available to represent him (he wasn’t but Arthur didn’t know that at the time) call Uther’s PA to see what had been on his father agenda that needed his attention, return all the calls and messages he had received ( _my thought and prayers are with you and your family_ they all said _your father was a great man_ , but Arthur didn't want such worthless things, such lies) he had to go and do the grocery shopping, it was his week and he had promised, the car was due to go to service and he had to call the locksmith, their locks were loose and it was better to change them before they got stuck. Over and over again, until a hand intertwining with his hair distracted him.

Merlin was reading and idly playing with Arthur’s hair, unaware that his husband was awake. Merlin’s hands were warm and familiar and Arthur focused on that. On how safe he was on Merlin’s arms, how his hand and voice always brought comfort, on the love and devotion Arthur had for him, on how much he adored his smile and the way his eyes lighted up with mischief. He focused on the familiar breathing pattern of his lover and slowly he felt his eyes close.

* * *

 Merlin hadn’t gone to the funeral. He had always been honest with his dislike of Uther and when he had offered to go, his back had been too straight, his eyes too shifty and Arthur knew that his husband would go without protest if Arthur asked, but he would hate every second so Arthur had told him that if he didn’t want to go, he didn’t have to.

He had been waiting for Arthur to arrive and had greeted him with a small smile and a hug that finally managed to crack Arthur’s composure and he cried for a long long time. Uther had been far from perfect, but Arthur had loved him ( _you never can do anything right can you?_ His father’s voice echo in his head). Maybe that had been Arthur’s first mistake. Maybe loving his father was what had brought him here: into a too quiet house. Arthur had never liked the quiet, so he stood up and searched for his phone, he searched for one of his playlist, his favorite playlist, it was titled love and all the songs on it reminded him of Merlin.  Following the rhythm of the music, he took more pills.

* * *

4th, 5th, 6th  & 7th Pills/ The Reality. 

567 hours after Arthur had taken over his father empire and his busy schedule, Morgana was dressed in white and it was difficult to look at her green eyes and red lips when she glared at Arthur as he entered the meeting room the lawyers had selected for them. On Morgana’s side of the table, Leon, Kay and two other lawyers Arthur didn’t know were seated, on his side, there was only Owen and Galahad. There was a sit between them reserved for Arthur. Arthur opted to ignore it for a moment and he made his way to Leon. Who greeted him with a smile, a handshake and a “Mr. Emrys-Pendragon” that sounded more mocking than respectful.

Leon who was his best friend after Merlin, he was loyal and dependable and a great lawyer. Morgana was smart to hire him, he had thought to do the same, but she had beaten him to it. Leon had called him and told him that he would reject her if it made Arthur uncomfortable. Arthur had told him that it didn’t and that he was sure that it would be resolved so quickly that if it did, it would only be momentarily.

The lawyers started the meeting and Arthur tried to hide his shock. Morgana not only wanted Uther’s belongings, she wanted Ygraine's as well.  Morgana’s razor-sharp smile cut deeply.

* * *

Arthur danced by himself, it was the only way he could dance now ( _alone, always and forever alone_ a voice mocked ) and as he danced he thought of Ygraine. His mother had died when he had only been five, and his memories of her were hazy at best, a lie at most.  A kind smile, a helpful hand, colorful head-scarves to hide the loss of hair and kindness so grand that it made flowers bloom. He remembered paint streaked nails and rows and rows of empty or unfinished paintings that lined the small glass greenhouse that had been transformed into an artist studio. He remembers seeing the paintings disappear before a protected vault, never to see the light again.

He remembers seeing them when he turned 25 and coming into his mother inheritance and deciding there and there that things that beautiful should never be hidden (each and every painting is now worth millions and none of them were for sale. _You have to protect your mother’s last gift_ Morgana had said before he signed a contract that would pass ownership to some random art collector. He hadn’t signed.)  He also owns the small beach cottage Uther had built with his own hands during his honeymoon for his wife, the small cottage that had laid abandoned for decades before Arthur restored it and tended to it with something akin to an obsession.  It was his mother and therefore his, but it was in Uther’s land, therefore, Morgana wanted it. ( _Mo_ _rgana won’t be the CEO, she has always been too greedy to put others before herself)_  Their father’s words had never been truer than when:

* * *

8th, 9th, 10th... Pill/ The Struggle.

For 1440 hours Morgana refused any offer that didn't include Ygraine's possessions. She also refused anything that didn't include his father's treasures (his old watch, passed form Pendragon to Pendragon for generations, the Victorian desk that adorned Uther’s office at home, the old corvette Uther had restored himself, the full extent of the library and the old manuscripts Uther had collected for Ygraine) she wanted full ownership of Pendragon Corporation, she wanted too much.

Arthur was willing to give her many things, 49% of Pendragon CO, the car and the desk, he was willing to give he their childhood home and one of the houses in Paris, was willing to give her 75% of all the money Uther had left for him and half of the library’s content. Nothing of Ygraine’s and not the ownership of the company and certainly not the watch.

Morgana wouldn't budge.

Their fight spiraled out of control and it started affecting their social circle.  They had always been close, so their friendships intersected. Gwen was her best friend and his ex, Lancelot was his favorite team-mate when playing soccer and he used to be Morgana’s PA. Leon was their childhood friend. Gwaine was a flirt that had slept with Morgana and Leon in different occasions and had stuck like a leach to the group, but he was a good billiard player so Arthur adored him. And, finally, Merlin had entered Arthur’s life though Morgana and her insistence that yoga helped with her insomnia.

They would only meet their friends if they knew the other wouldn't be there and shit-talking about someone that was not there was extremely easy. Their friends unconsciously started picking sides.

Gwen, Merlin, and Leon were on Morgana’s side. They all knew first-hand how cruel Uther had been on denying Morgana her birthright. ( _My money is destined to go to my blood_ , Uther had often said) Uther had hidden the truth for years and then died. In the in-between years Uther had been awful to Morgana once she had learned that Uther’s blood also ran in her veins. She was hidden away and her birthright denied. The trio had seen and heard Uther’s words ( _I do not have a daughter. You are nothing but a bastard._ _Leave my house. Your mother was slut._ ) they had seen Morgana break down and cry and curse and promise. They had not been surprised by the lawsuit, in their minds, Morgana deserved what she asked for.

They were subtle about their opinions at first, never saying anything about the case, never issuing their opinion even when asked, but later their actions started betraying them. Rolling eyes when Arthur talked about how unfair Morgana was being,  busy ears when Arthur wanted to just talk. Talk about how much it hurt to see his sister enjoy his pain.

The others, Lancelot and Gwaine understood, they had been there after a drunk Uther had let it slip that Arthur was too much like his mother and he owned his fahter's love to that fact. They had seen him cry and they had been there for him on the funeral.

Gwen hadn’t come, but she had had a good reason, there where test to be run for her baby, Leon had been traveling for work and that also was a good reason.

The two groups collided. Gwen and Lancelot were married, it was bound to come up that they agreed with a different sibling and their marriage started suffering from it. Leon and Gwaine would not speak to each other and no one knew why.

And Merlin and Arthur?  Their marriage crumbled.

* * *

Arthur took a swing from his second bottle of wine and started at the ceiling, he had never noticed but it was a tone lighter than the walls. It would have bothered him, but he was going to die tonight, so it didn’t matter. Maybe the next couple to live in the house would paint over it, or maybe they wouldn’t even notice in their joy of having such a beautiful home and so cheap too! After all the previous owner had killed himself on it.

Arthur laughed until tears streamed down his face. The real estate agent would be so pissed that they couldn’t get the commission they deserved because an inconsiderate jerk had killed himself.

* * *

 20th… 25th... Pill/ The Fall.

1608 hours after the first meeting, their meetings turned vicious. Each of them had a team of almost ten lawyers, there was argument versus arguments, offers given and offers denied, there were no steps forward, only steps backward until they were worse than when they started. Something in Arthur had snapped. He had grown bitter and angry, the frustrations and arguments from home were to be dealt with during meetings with Morgana. He also now wanted something. He wanted Morgana’s diamond bracelet, he wanted the horse she had been given for her 23 birthday, he wanted for her to feel like he felt. Angry, betrayed, hurt, desperate and alone.

Merlin had started sleeping on the couch, refusing to be on the same room as Arthur. And deep inside of him, Arthur understood. Uther had been awful to Morgana, but it was nothing compared to how he had treated Merlin. ( _You arrogant little faggot. Your fault my son is a sissy. Your pedigree is less than my dog’s. How can you stand to fuck him, Arthur, when he looks like that?_ )  Arthur had changed, he had distanced himself from Uther, had mumbled apologies against Merlin’s skin and had made a promises, a promise for a bright, happy, future, of a love-full relationship, a promise for change. They had made peace with the fact that Uther would always hate Merlin and that Arthur would always love his father. They had. Past tense. The peace shattered when Morgana had cried into Merlin’s arms and had told him what Arthur had said to her in a fit of rage during a meeting _(Uther was right about you Morgana_.)

It was all Morgana’s fault, so she was the one that had to pay, but it made a cycle. When Morgana demanded Ygraine’s belongings, Arthur would be cruel to Morgana, she would tell Merlin, and Merlin would refuse to be on the same room as Arthur and they would fight, so Arthur would be cruel with Morgana and she would ask for more things. There was no ending.

Leon lost all the respect he had on Arthur and their friendship soured.  Gwaine told him he didn’t recognize him and that he should be more conscious of what he was doing, Arthur ignored him, so Gwaine went to fuck Morgana, betraying Arthur in the process.

The worst part was that he fought with Lance. A big, big fight that ended in a broken nose and a destroyed friendship. Arthur had been too fragile, too hurt, and Lancelot had pushed too hard too fast on a crack and Arthur had shattered with a force that scared him. Gwen had called him from the hospital crying ( _y_ _ou are no friend of my family, you are not going to be the godfather of our son._ ) the sound of the ended call crushing his heart.

Arthur lost his friends.

* * *

Merlin had left shortly after. He packed when Arthur was at work _(he is so tired, he hasn’t slept well in weeks, he misses Merlin_ ) so by the time Arthur walks through the door, their life of five years its long gone. There are no photos on the mantel, Merlin’s stacks of books are all packed, Merlin’s decorations and plants are gone, the house is empty. There is a key, and a note and Arthur had never hated Merlin, but he did then. For leaving him like this: a note that says too little and too much: _I’m gonna miss you, love you ~M._ And for the first time, Arthur knows what it truly means to be alone.

Arthur sits on the only chair that is left in the house, in front of the only table and looks at the gun. The pills are taking too long, remembering is too painful, and the gun promises a quick-and ugly- death. He reaches for it, but changes his mind at the last minute, he would hate to get blood on his clothes.

* * *

30th Pill/ The Cuts. 

23 hours after Merlin leaves, Arthur has to sit on another interminable meeting with Morgana, her smile is too smug, her nails too sharp and her voice, while she informs Arthur that his husband is now sleeping at her house, is like claws digging into skin. He shakes in his sit and endures the humiliation of Morgana bringing forward that information before his friends ( _not anymore_ ) and employes. He is too hard on them in that meeting, too ruthless, too cruel, too much like his father that he hates himself more than he ever did.  

That day Arthur thinks about suicide for the first time. The thought crawls into his mind and it's so inconspicuous it seems harmless _(crash the car into the bridge, the pain will end.)_ but they grow stronger and they occur more frequently. He is walking and thinks about jumping down the bridge, waiting for the subway and thinks about walking down the tunnel to meet the train earlier.  They are easy to dismiss at first. And then... he asks his PA to buy the pills ( _for sleeping_ he tells Gorge _I need to sleep so that I can work_ )  He does not take any, but he stockpiles them in his house. His house, not his home, not without Merlin.

He hasn’t talked to anyone but his lawyers, employers and business partners in months so when Gwaine calls him drunk he hopes that this is the beginning of the end, that he can finally mend his wrongs but Gwaine only says things that are true ( _you bastard, fuck, I didn’t know you could be this cruel._ ) and that are too painful ( _Merlin was right to leave you._ )  Gwaine's ‘sorry’ text the next morning can’t erase the truth of his words. ( _Uther would be proud of you Arthur._ )  

So he goes and buys a gun and as he does, he thinks about what he feels and realizes that he feels empty.

* * *

Arthur knows that he is about to die and still he feels nothing. He can sense the way his heartbeat is slowing and how his breathing is more difficult and still, there is nothing.

* * *

 The Last Pill/ The Arrangements.

He calls one of his many lawyers first and tells him that if he wants some extra money he could do a favor for Arthur and he has to keep quiet. The lawyer files for divorce and none notice. He asks him to buy a plot of land in the cemetery and to buy a casket, and a tombstone and to give all the documentation to Arthur. He calls then for the florist and orders flower arrangements _(his mother favorites, lilies, the flower of death, and white roses, the flower of hope, and he thinks of his father)_  He sends two suits to the dry cleaner (one for his death, one for his funeral) and then he calls another lawyer. Tells him to arrange his will: Everything to Morgana, by the exception of two things: all of his mother paintings and the house he was standing in, those where to go to Merlin. And after the movers have taken everything, after the cleaners have left his house sparkling clean, he changes into his suit, arranges the pills bottles and the gun on the table and carefully places a box and an envelope close to the door, where no one would miss it once they entered.

His funeral was to happen in two weeks, time he hoped would be enough for his body to start smelling so it would be discovered. He hoped his friends would be kind enough to go.

He has one last meeting to attend to and then everything will finally be over.

Morgana is once again wearing white and this time she looks beautiful. Arthur smiles, a secret smile that puts his sister on edge but he can’t help it, he really does love her despite everything.

Morgana opens her mouth but Arthur beats her to the punch. “Give her everything but my house and my mother’s paintings.”  Morgana’s mouth slams shut and his lawyer surrounds him like a beehive, they try to make him change his mind, he doesn’t. He looks at Morgana for the last time, trying to remember her like this: beautiful and happy and gloating with victory like she often did when they where children.

* * *

 He knows his friends are celebrating at the moment, they are likely hugging Morgana and commenting on how she had beaten the impossible: Arthur’s stubbornness. They would be happy. Gwen round with her baby and Lancelot close to her, holding her hand or rubbing her neck. Leon would be hovering close to Morgana, as he had always done. Gwaine would be drinking and coaxing Merlin into drinking with him and Arthur would be right were he is now, on the floor next to the table and the chair from which he had fallen, a lone tear stream down his face as he closes his eyes and dreams for the last time.

* * *

Someone was pounding at the door, but Arthur did not move, he could not, the alcohol and pills robbing him of years of his life. But he could still hear it, he heard it until the door broke and thundering footsteps reached him, a hand, a comforting hand reached for him and Arthur knew no more.

The hand belonged to Arthur’s husband, his pale face marred with tears and so white it seemed like he would disappear. Merlin had known something was wrong when he received a call from George, Arthur’s PA. His boss had not come to work. After Morgana had told them about her victory, about the way Arthur had folded the feeling intensified. God knew that Arthur was prideful and he would not have bent if something wasn’t terribly wrong. The feeling was confirmed when Gwaine called him and told him to go to Arthur immediately, by mistake an envelope had been delivered to Gwaine's office and it was Arthur’s last will, a will that had been signed hours before Arthur had signed away his father’s legacy. _(Could be nothing_ Merlin had thought and then her mother’s wisdom whispered to him _better safe than sorry._ )

When he arrives inside he takes seconds to process the sight of the empty house, of the cold chilled air, of the low music playing from somewhere in the room, but he pays no attention to it, he only has eyes for the man crumpled on the floor, with white pills laying around him and a bottle of wine broken near his feet.

There is a pulse and he is dialing 911 before he even knows what he is doing. He listens to the instructions of the man on the other side of the phone and does what he can to save his love.

The paramedics arrive fast and they are taking Arthur away before Merlin has time to process what is going on, he rides with them to the hospital trembling and praying and hoping. They usher Arthur to the surgeon, make Merlin sign forms that absolve the hospital of any guilt in case of the worst and then there is nothing to do but wait.

Gwaine is the one that finds him first and when he sees Merlin trembling in the hospital waiting area he hugs him and tells him something Merlin knows but can’t believe today, maybe not ever.  _(it’s not your fault)._

The others arrive one by one, pale-faced and scared. Gwen is wearing a mask that covers her nose and mouth and she still shouldn't be here, she has to think of her baby, but  Lancelot is with her and he helps her as she makes her way to a chair. Leon is next and he is crying when he walks in, he silently pats Merlin's shoulder and sits with his head on his hands, doing nothing to muffle his sobs. The last one is Morgana, and she is running full speed, her hair is in disarray, her clothes don't match and she is running towards Merlin demanding answers, asking for reasons and there is nothing Merlin can tell her.

They ask for Merlin by name _(Mr. Merlin Emrys-Pendragon?)_  they tell him that his husband will survive and Merlin cries.

* * *

Day 1 / The Awakening.

Arthur is on a private room, being tended by the best doctors money can buy. They bribe the hospital staff to allow all of them inside the room and to be allowed to stay there  even when it shouldn't be possible. All of them sleep there as Arthur’s breathing is regulated by a tube. _(The pills he took, they affect the diaphragm, he will have trouble breathing, the damage is not permanent.)_ They are all there, close but far, grieving for something that they didn't lose but came uncomfortably close to doing so.

When Arthur opens his eyes and looks at Merlin, the blond smiles a little and then he is gone again.

* * *

Day 2/ The Realization.

The tube comes out the next day. Arthur wakes up again, slowly this time and more conscious of what is really happening. He looks around the room, sees that he is alone and cries. His friends arrive once he is asleep again. They don’t miss the fresh scratches on Arthur’s wrist and they all hate themselves for not being there when he woke.  _(They had to eat)_

Arthur wakes once more and Merlin is there. They talks. _(What happened? You tried to kill yourself. Ah... right)_ Arthur laughs and his laugh is too empty, Merlin and his friends cringe at the sound. _(Seems like father was right then. Never could do anything right.)_ Merlin is angry _(Why did you do it? You have so much to live for.)_ and Arthur laughs again and it's empty and mocking and it hurts Merlin deeper than any word could ever do. _(My father is dead, my sister and friends hate me and the job I had was killing me faster than those dam pills almost did and you... you left. I had nothing.)_  Arthur turns around and demands something he had never demanded of Merlin before. _(Leave.)_

Merlin doesn’t and Arthur falls asleep angry.

His friends look at each other and they blame themselves and each other. _(If you had, if I hadn't, you should have.. I did not…_ ) and then they cry. Morgana stands up proud and tall and goes to the trashcan and pukes. She cleans her mouth with her own sleeve and does not look at the others when she leaves.

* * *

Day 5/  The Discovery.

Despite the bribe they are kicked out of the room when the hospital’s psychologist enters the room. They talk quietly with each other and then disperse. They will return later, after going home to change and clean. Merlin decides that he has to go home. He can’t go to Morgana’s and her suffocating guilt. But when he gets home he sees not the warmth and love he and Arthur had poured into its wall, but the spilled wine that has stained and the cold air that makes him shiver.

His eyes are drawn at the small box by the door, it's the first thing he sees when he is inside and it's easy to go there, to see what this unfamiliar thing on a recently familiar place is.

The box is not heavy, not like the envelope that hasn't many things inside of it. Mostly there are receipts that tell a long and heavy tale.  _(for the flowers, for the casket, for a tombstone scribed with a heartbreaking message ‘Here lies Arthur Emrys-Pendragon 1983-2018, he tried to do his best’. For the lawyers, for the house, for everything._ ) There is also a page titled “My funeral arrangements” and Merlin makes confetti out of that tear-stained paper _(it has a list of items Arthur wanted to be buried next to him, items that are in the box_ ) and the next slip of paper breaks Merlin’s heart. It's small and written by hand. It’s addressed to all of them.

 

_To my family, to my friends, to my love:_

  _Morgana: I'm sorry that I am so similar to father. Sorry I couldn't protect you._

_Gwen: I’m sorry that I disappointed you. I also wouldn’t have wanted me as a godfather._

_Lancelot: I'm sorry for what I say and did that day, I'm sorry I was such a crappy friend._

_Leon: I'm sorry that I let my father get between us. I’m sorry I failed you._

_Gwaine: I'm sorry I ignored your warnings. As always, you were right._

_Merlin: I'm sorry I couldn’t keep my promise. Love you forever._

_Sorry._

_Arthur Emrys-Pendragon_

 

Merlin cries and cries and cries, holding the paper to his chest and curses himself and Arthur, but most of all, he curses Uther for being such a bastard even in death.

The box is heavy, but not as heavy as the envelope because it does not contain the weight of Arthur’s desperation. The box, who was to be buried with Arthur, who was to disappear without comment, contained only five items: a photograph of all them, it had been taken by Arthur once during a picnic at the park, they are all happy and none of them was aware of the camera nearby, they all looked like themselves. Merlin had never seen it before. A ring, Ygraine’s ring, the one Arthur always carried around his neck. His father’s watch, the Pendragon watch, the one Morgana was supposed to receive soon. A Get Well Soon! card signed by all of his friends after Arthur had broken his leg and a small, familiar note in Merlin’s handwriting: _I’m gonna miss you, love you ~M_

Merlin stared at the objects and it burned when it dawned on him why Arthur had selected this objects. _(Arthur hadn’t expected any of them to go to his funeral.)_

* * *

Day 7/ The Talks.

Merlin is kicked out of the room once more by Morgana, and he watches as she sits down and takes Arthur’s hand on hers.

Morgana’s hand is cold. She is always cold and Arthur is always warm, so, like when she was a child, she takes Arthur’s hand on hers and tries to warm herself against the hand of her brother.

Arthur wakes up soon and grips Morgana’s hand tighter and holds it even harder when she tries to take it away.  Morgana cries and cries and cries. _(I’m sorry.)_ She whispers as she dries her tears with her free hand. _(You forgot I am not father.)_  And it's like a hammer to the gut. Because it's the truth and Morgana had decided to turn a blind eye to it.

Morgana leaves and Arthur stares at her once more and he is surprised to feel happy that he can see her once more.

Later, the psychologist will call that progress.

* * *

 Day 1781/ The Aftermath.

Arthur is sitting down with his friends after a good appointment with his psychologist, Freya, she is kind and understanding and the past years she has helped Arthur more than he could be ever begin to explain. There is food at the table and little Bob is sitting on his knee, talking Arthur’s ear off about his new baby sister, baby Jenny, who just learned to turn on her back.

After Arthur’s suicide attempt, he had talked at length with Gwen and they had patched up their friendship. She had acknowledged that she had forgotten about the fact that Uther had also been horrible to him _(never enough_  his father's voice reminded him _)_ and that the man had just died, shocking Arthur to his core and destroying the base on which Arthur had always stood upon. She had given him a gift Arthur thought he would never get and three months later, he was at a church holding his godson as he was baptized. Lancelot beaming with pride next to him, his nose would never look the same, but he had forgiven and forgotten sooner than Arthur deserved.

Leon is gazing with longing at little Bob and then at Morgana, their wedding had happened just last year, after a turbulent start and a rocking landing, but they were happy. Morgana had flourished as CEO of Pendragon CO., she was fuller and her skin healthier, there was a sense of calm in her that had been missing ( _she proves that she is never too greedy)_ and Leon is prouder, more confident of himself and his abilities. His respect is hard-earned, but earn it Arthur did. Even so, Leon remained by his side during his worst moments ( _crying, hating and almost shooting himself)._

There is a clear before and after in his relationship with Morgana. It would never be the same, Morgana will always feel guilty and Arthur will always be a little angry and they would always be too careful with each other.  _(Morgana had tried to give back everything Arthur had given away, Arthur had refused. They had begun fighting again before they noticed and only stopped when Arthur couldn’t breathe, his diaphragm still too weak.)_ But there was a strong treaty of peace between them, one that had formed when Uther’s death anniversary came and Arthur cried and cried and cried and told Morgana what had hurt him most. _(I couldn’t give you what you wanted Morgana, I couldn't give you his love or his approval, but you still demanded it of me. He wasn't even buried.)_

Gwaine was the easiest, Arthur told him sorry once and only once and Gwaine had hugged him and ordered him to never scare him like that ever again. _(Arthur bought him a bike for his birthday as thanks and as another apology and Gwaine had been traveling across the country for four months)_

With Merlin, with his love, it was difficult. They both went to therapy. Merlin would always carry the sight of Arthur on the floor and would always have nightmares of arriving too late. Arthur would always have suicidal thoughts, would always carry the fact that he tried to kill himself.  But they work it out. Somedays its almost impossible, emotions too high, logic too low, other days are smooth sailing, others are just average. Other days are breathtaking.  _(Merlin ripping apart the divorce papers, Merlin on his knees asking Arthur to marry him again, Merlin saying yes at the wedding, Merlin holding baby Jenny as he was named godfather, Merlin smiling at him, Merlin reading out loud when Arthur can’t sleep)._

Arthur looks around, sees his friends, his family, and his love talking amongst themselves, smiling at each other, gossiping and showing each other pictures on their phones and feels content as little Bob tells him that he wants his parents to give him a little brother next. 

**Author's Note:**

> At Depth Trigger Warnings: 
> 
> Suicide Attempt:  
> Arthur attempts suicide by taking pills, he also considers using a gun to shoot himself as well as other methods. Some of his thoughts and actions may be triggering so be aware of your own mental health needs before you read.
> 
> Homophobic Language:  
> Two terms with history of homophobic usage are used (f***** and s****)
> 
> Past Emotional/Psychological Abuse:  
> From Uther to his children (Morgana and Arthur). Constant insults and insinuations. Most of this story is a result of this abuse. Arthur often talks about the love he feels for Uther (his abuser). There might be other things that enter in this trigger that may affect your own mental health, be aware of it before you read. 
> 
> [HERE](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines) is a list of suicide national hotlines (worldwide) in case you or anyone you know needs them. Clichéd as it might seem it **does** get better.
> 
> Find me on [Tumblr](http://exolovek.tumblr.com/) or check out my [Merlin Fic's Rec Blog](https://howshitgoes.tumblr.com)
> 
> Feedback is important and encouraged.


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